Chapter 18: What is your best relationship advice?

Originally written April 19, 2021

All my years in journalism and nobody ever asked me to write an advice column.

Relationship advice is one type of advice that few, if indeed any, people have ever asked me to give.

Likewise nobody ever asks me for ballet advice or for my secrets for becoming a millionaire or for my beauty tips. 

If I haven’t made it clear, I haven’t had much luck in the way of romantic relationships. Both of my marriages failed, and by the end, both were nightmarish. 

Each marriage produced one wonderful child. But both marriages got so unbearable I feared it would cause serious harm to my children if I stayed.

Pam and I cut the cake t our wedding at La Posada, in Santa Fe, 7-7-79

I got married in 1979 and again in 1989. Each lasted five years or less. I was so shaken by the failure of the last one, I decided to skip 1999, 2009 and 2019.

I’ve had a few relationships in between and after my marriages. All eventually fizzled. The silver lining is that though none of those relationships ever got nightmarish. And with most I was still able to maintain a lasting friendship with the women involved. 

And eventually I reached a sort of detente with each ex-wife.

My first wife Pam even sent me a nice box of fancy fruit in early 2013 when my mom was dying, a gesture I’ll always appreciate. Ironically, just a few weeks later, Pam herself died.

I can’t say I became actual friends with either Pam or my second wife, Chris after the marriages were over. But at least we got to the point where we weren’t actively hating each other.

I guess that counts for something.

So what suspect advice can I offer in the area of relationships?

First I’ll yield to soul singer Percy Sledge, or, more accurately, Percy Sledge’s Mama in his song “Take Time to Know Her.”

But if you didn’t take time to listen to the song, here’s Percy’s sage advice:

I found a woman

I felt I truly loved

She was everything

I'd ever been dreaming of

But she was bad, I didn't know it

Her pretty smile never did show it

All I knew is what I could see

And I knew I wanted her for me.

I took her home to Mama

Mama, wanna see my future bride

Well, she looked at us both

And then she called me to her side

She said, "Son, take time to know her

It's not an overnight thing

Take time to know her

Please, don't rush into this thing"

In the next verse, Percy’s preacher gives him the exact same advice.

But does he listen? 

No!

And neither did I when it came to my second marriage. I started dating Chris and just a few weeks later we were engaged, and a few weeks after that we got married. Mercy, mercy, Mr. Percy, I should have heeded your cautionary tale.

I didn’t make that mistake in my first marriage. Pam and I knew each other pretty well by the time we got hitched. We had lived together for a couple of years before we got married.

My mistake there was not recognizing all the red flags. We seemed to be fighting all the time even before marriage. I can’t speak for her but I suspect she felt the same way I did, that it would all get better once we got married.

Pure magical thinking.

Chris and I got married at the Cross of the Martyrs in Santa Fe on October 24, 1989. And yes I sang Elvis’ “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” as we walked up the hill.

I realize that neither “watch for red flags” nor “Take Time to Know Her” are examples of positive advice. They’re basically telling you ways to avoid bad relationships. 

But from the mistakes I made, I’d have to say the only advice I really have is be kind and be a good listener. Don’t let self-doubt, jealousy or the resentful feeling that you’re the only one trying to make it work sink your relationship.

It’s corny and not very deep but it can’t hurt.

In conclusion, here’s an old favorite from Loudon Wainwright III: